dudeimbatman | Sammy f*%$ked up

Sam had thought about talking to Dean sooner about what he did, but the other part of him couldn't when there was no open dialog with Ruby even. Clearly, he couldn't pretend to keep up the appearance of being okay. He was disheveled in other ways than just appearance. He had come to the bar out of a sense familiarity with the goal to locate Dean and he crosses it rather contemplative. He knew Dean was only trying to lighten his troubles, but he shoke his head. "That's the problem. Because of what I did, Ruby hasn't written back to me. I can't fix it here." Guess he has to spill, doesn't he.

It's a complicated situation and not an easy one to talk to anyone about. Maybe Dean should have pushed Sam a little harder, but there's a chance that Sam wouldn't have been ready to talk about it before now. As for Ruby, Dean is unaware that she has cut off all communication with Sam.

Dean takes a sip of his beer and gives Sam a confused look. "What the hell'd you do? Lose her favorite grouchy care bear?" It doesn't even cross his mind that Sam slept with someone else. Sure, it's possible in Heaven, but he doesn't think it's possible for Sam.

It's because Dean thinks the best of him that he's found it hard to say anything. The proof is in the confusion Dean looks at him with. Sam eyes the pro-offered beer, contemplates taking a sip to make things easier, but even he knows in Heaven, everything is more or less a placebo. What he ends up doing is he partially hangs his head until he pulls it back up, takes a sharp intake of air with his tongue between his lips and pulls them thin. He takes his time.

For Dean to understand, he figures he should start at the beginning. "You know how Jack is working on helping innocent souls that landed up in Purgatory and bring them here. Garth, his wife, his children aren't the only ones that ended up in recently." He scrubs his forehead.

"I...ran into Madison a while back. At first she was confused and traumatized and not able to speak much. But right away she was able to recognize me. My first thought was that I had to help her. Really, I didn't help anyone." He says with all the stops and stutters of telling a heavy truth.

Dean will always think the best of Sam. It's part of being his older brother. Of course, regardless of how he'd protest, Dean sees the best in most people.

He grows more serious as he watches his baby brother. It's clear something is bothering Sam. He nods, following along, but not sure where Sam is going with this. "Yeah. It was a good move on Jack's part."

It takes Dean a moment to remember who Madison is. "Oh. Werewolf chick you did the horizontal tango with before you killed her," he nods, confident he's caught up. "Give her some time. Some people take longer to adjust." Sam knows this and Dean doesn't get why Sam is so torn up over this. "She want to go back to Purgatory?"

It's very plausible that Sam needs Dean to see it to be able to challenge himself to wallow less and come up with ideas even if he doesn't know how yet.

Sam pauses long enough to nod at that. His mistake doesn't change how proud he is of Jack for fixing for souls that didn't deserve to be trapped in a hunger games wasteland to punish them.

He decides to finally have some of his beer with Dean hitting in on the nose without realizing it. He's not frustrated with anyone other than himself though. He lets the liquid poison sit on his tongue for a moment to think of how to answer Dean, the taste reminding him of the worst hooch he's had in his life, before swallowing it down like cough medicine. "No...No. In fact she wanted to know where she was and she thought that this all was too good to be true until I sat her down and talked with her." Which is besides the point. He rolls his shoulder uncomfortably, eyes looking up as if to search his mind that his tongue can't quite push out on its own. "We got...to talking about what she remembers from the last time I saw her and focused on that so she could hold on to something. I...landed in bed with her."

Oh, Dean will smack Sam out of his wallowing and he'll try to help with solutions, but he'll admit that there's not much Sam can do with Ruby a world away.

Dean has experienced purgatory. He knows that most of the monsters belong there, just like most monsters need to be hunted. However, there have been too many in their lives that didn't belong there like Garth, Ruby, and Benny.

Okay. Dean is definitely shocked by Sam's reveal. It takes him a moment to respond because even though Dean spent most of his life sleeping around, it's not something you do once you commit to someone. "You just landed in bed with her, Sammy? Tripped and your dick went inside her?" He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. "You don't just land in bed with someone. You meant it or you didn't. How did Ruby find out?"

Which is exactly why he knows he should have come to Dean sooner. If there's any other idea more effective than to jailbreak heaven without a clue of how to find Ruby, he's all for listening.

Honestly, that's exactly how Sam expects Dean to react. It's not the worst reaction he's ever received by far, but the disappointment (as he perceives it) is palpable. He drops his shoulders. He turns his eyes down long before Dean is able to speak. "I know what I did. I'm not making excuses for that. Ruby knows because I... I wrote to her because I couldn't lie about something so big. I wrote to her many times."

Dean sighs and scrubs his hands over his face again then presses them to the back of his neck as he thinks about it. "Okay first all, you shouldn't have told her. You should have figured out a way to live with that." He takes a sip of his beer, watching Sam and considering his next words. "Second of all, did you mean it? If you did, you've got to shut things down with Ruby. Let her figure out how to live a life without you in it." He's quiet for a moment more. "I'm not sure you shouldn't have done that when you first came here. It's what's supposed to happen, Sam. YOu should have a life here and she ought to have one down there."

Is he still glad he came to talk to Dean?

No. Not at all. He has loved Ruby for a long time, enjoyed a long life with her full of happy memories, shared every piece of himself with her on a level very few could understand. In simple terms, he's no different than a lover or a spirit that can't let go. That's--That's why sex with Madison didn't go over so well when he spouted Ruby's name in the middle (a detail he isn't sharing). He's quiet for a long time.

"No. I'm ready to move on from Ruby, Dean." Which is about all he can say as the rest of what advice he's been given sits rather poorly with him, as evidenced in how tight his lips grow together. "I don't care what's supposed to happen. What I want is some connection with her again. I miss her every day." He knows Dean means well though. Had it been anyone else's story, he would agree that moving on is the option.

If he did share, Dean would realize how freaking disastrous this whole thing has gone. However, he acknowledges it's a disaster even without that detail. Dean is glad that Sam takes the time to consider his answer and to think through everything that he just said.

Dean sighs and watches Sam, giving him a chance to finish. "Dude...I hate to point it out, but we're dead. She's not and visiting hours aren't exactly a thing so there aren't going to be any conjugal visits for you two. You're not even supposed to be doing the letter thing. That's---I'm not sure Jack or Cas were being fair big picture to let that happen. I'm not saying get over her. I'm just saying..." Dean stops because he knows Sam well enough that he knows this is going over like a wet blanket. "Fuck. I don't know what I'm saying. I don't think you have a lot of options. We can try talking to Jack. See if some big gestures will at least get Ruby to talk to you. Maybe you two can work some sort of agreement out that way."

A long time ago they stopped lying to each other. Sam is really doing his best to be honest with Dean and himself. The trouble is not cutting off Dean only because he hears exactly what he's pushed out of his head thus far. Dean is right. It slowly starts to sink in when his brother says it.

Sam shakes his head the whole time.

It's how Dean drops the big gesture thing right at the end when he stops. His wheels never stopped spinning but he never considered before now how maybe there is something Jack could do. He twists and turns his head to weigh how desperate he is vs how much he didn't want to get other people involved. He found that the shame was poor company for actually being able to reach Ruby, and accepted the idea with an outward nod.

"I know you mean well, Dean, in pointing out-- I think I need to take whatever options there are left and talk to Jack. I can't leave it like this. I won't. I don't care if I'm not supposed to write letters or look for another way. If Heaven is supposed to be where we find peace, I haven't felt it in..." He can't finish that sentence because honestly he can't pinpoint when his uneasiness set in. Maybe it was there from the start. "I really can't move on." He adds.

Dean would like to be more encouraging, but Sam and Ruby have been stuck in a time bomb since he died. While Dean wouldn't have expected this of Sam, it was only a matter of time before their time bomb went off. You can't sustain a long-distance relationship indefinitely, not even on earth.

Dean becomes immediately wary when Sam stops shaking his head. He tries to figure out what he said. Of course, by big gestures, he meant to have Jake make it rain rose petals or some equally romantic movie bullshit.

Dean's brow furrows as he listens to Sam. He can't disagree that Heaven should be peace. He also can't disagree that Sam has been restless and unsettled for a long time. He'd offered Sam various options like a job at the roadhouse or to help in tinkering with cars. None of it had brought Sam any kind of real calm. "Okay. So what are you thinking?"

He doesn't have an answer for Dean right then. He lets Dean know after some careful consideration that he'll talk to Jack and get back to him. If they could just talk about something else, that'd be great. How was Dean getting on with the Firebird he was tinkering with? The Impala was running smoothly? Heaven mimicked their deepest needs and desires and it seemed Dean needed to tinker with something to keep himself occupied. Last time Dean asked Sam if he would like to help fix Baby up, it hadn't gone so well as his heart wasn't in it and they accomplished very little. He was grateful Dean tried.

Part of it is more Sam than it is Dean. Dean shouldn't worry about what he said as it isn't something Sam can hold against him.

Eventually, they go their separate ways for the night. The next person Sam runs into is not Jack but Castiel who has their son's ear. He tells Cas in lesser detail what is bothering him about Ruby, the part of his soul that is restless as he can't move on without her. Cas mentions there might be something he might be able to do and he'll consult Jack and the council (consisting of Amara and others). Before Sam can so much as open his mouth to ask what idea, the angel is gone. He promised Dean he would work at the bar that evening too and shows up on time. During his shift he makes the wrong drink for patrons more than twice.

Had Cas not once been able to recall his own age in the number of days since the beginning of time, Sam would have thought Cas forgot about their talk when a week went by in a blur. The council came back with an answer through Cas. He was told he could be allowed to be reincarnated one time if he chose to accept it. He thought he heard Cas wrong but it was true. Apparently some of the people that chose reincarnation were Jesus, Marie Currie, Elvis. Obviously, he sits with himself for a day or so, thinking about the depth of such a decision and comes to decide he would if Ruby wanted to mend things too.

There was one other person to talk to. It was Dean. He waited until there was a time in the day where no one could potentially interrupt or overhear them. The bar wasn't the right place to talk. It was when people typically gave Dean space to tinker with his Baby. To flip the script, he brought grilled cheese with him. One for each of them.

"Dean, you in here?" He can't see past the Impala but the lights switched on was a good indication he was in the right place. He continues to walk around the car as Dean sits up. "Grilled cheese with tomato and bacon." He takes his sandwich off and hands over the plate once Dean wipes his hands off. He wasn't about to go head first in sharing his decision. First, he needs Dean to be comfortable. Sam can't help if he seems less restless and more focused.

Dean gets it and he's not asking for an answer right now about what Sam is going to do. He expects Sam will have to do some research and some discussion. When Sam changes the subject, he's happy enough to talk about other things like what Jo is up to and what's been going on at the bar and the garage.

Castiel is a good choice. He understands human life and love. He understands how mistakes can be made. For Dean's part, he keeps an eye on Sam, asking regularly if he's doing okay, and giving him odd jobs as a distraction. It doesn't matter so much here if Sam gives someone the wrong drink; he can always make another right drink. But it's noticeable to most people who see Sam regularly that something is up.

Time in Heaven works differently anyhow. It's a good thing Sam takes some time to consider it because that's the first thing that Dean is going to ask him. Dean hears Sam come in the garage and hollars out 'Hey, Sammy," from underneath the Impala. He slides out on the mechanic cart and sits up, reaching for a rag to wipe his hands on. Dean leads him over to a small area furnished with a couple of bench car seats and a rough, wooden table. He sets the plate on the table and goes to the mini fridge to pull out a couple of beers then sits opposite Sam, passing one beer to him. "You've got your something face on. What's up?"

"You sure you don't want to eat that first?" Sam is buying time as all the research he's done and ways he's gone over this conversation in his head can't prepare him for the actuality of it. None of it can prepare Dean most of all. It's a heavy topic. He does lean against the back of the bench car seat on the side of it and accepts the beer. "Uh, yeah...I think you should have a seat then" he suggests whether Dean wants to have the food or not. "Um, so, I talked to Cas after our last conversation and he had an idea that actually could help. There's just one catch. Maybe, two."

Between his sandwich and the beer, Sam likes the look of both; to give Dean a chance to respond he has a sip and bite in that order.

That makes Dean narrow his eyes. He is pretty sure he's not going to like this, but to pacify Sam, he takes a big bite of his sandwich. He's eating. Happy? No matter that neither of them have to actually eat, but the sandwich is good. From the look on Sam's face, Dean is suspecting that he should have pulled out the whiskey, but he takes a sip of his beer first. "There always is. So what's the catch?" he asks as he takes another bite of the sandwich, leaning forward a bit as he listens to Sam.

Whiskey might have been good enough to dull the ache in Sam's stomach had Dean poured it. Beer will have to do for the two of them. Sam relaxes a fraction of an amount when Dean does follow suit and eat as well. There's no two ways to say what the catch is. So best just say it, he thinks, when Dean swallows the second bite of food. He clicks his tongue. "Yeah, that's usually how it goes. Uh, the catch is that I'll leave Heaven to be reincarnated with no memories. It's possible I'll get them back someday. Maybe I won't. Part of it is that Ruby will have to agree to it. We both have to decide we want to be in each other's lives again."

If Dean had realized this conversation was going to be so serious, he would have pulled out the whiskey. That seriousness settles over the both of them like a blanket. It's almost stifling and as much as he doesn't want to hear what Sam is saying, he's also glad that Sam just gets it out.

The look Dean gives him is truly what the fuck. "What do you mean you it's possible? So you might forget everything? From before? From now?" Yeah, yeah, he knows this is about Ruby, but he's focused on the part that's about him right now. He takes another bite, processing everything. "So you could end up with Karen, two point five kids and never even meet Ruby? What's the going to do to you when you get back here?"

It's a big bomb to drop all at once. Letting Dean take it all in, Sam lets silence linger for a few moments for his words to let his brother soak it all in. In fact, there's parts of it himself that he needs to come to terms with. There are no guarantees that everything will go his way. Ruby could refuse the proposal, just to start with. Yes, he absolutely could choose to end up with someone named Karen. He wants to believe it'll work out but he has a healthy understanding of the risks.

Hope is what he needed to hold on to. His brother's doubt didn't change that but it helped sober a fraction of any delusions that still lingered. He nods, pulling his lips into a line. "I might never get my memories back. Yeah. Everything from the time I was born to when I leave here... Just everything. There's no two ways around it," he clarifies for Dean all in one breath. Of course he's still on the fence because of what Dean might say as he realizes this affects their relationship the most. The complicated part comes with that he's already made up his mind subconsciously deep down. He knows he needs Dean on board (just as he needs Ruby to want it too) first even if that takes time.

He makes a face at Dean's next statement about the imaginary new family he could come back with knowing. "Honestly, I don't want to think about that. But if that happens, I'll throw in the towel. There isn't anything worse I can think of than not trying to mend things because I'm afraid of the results."

There's a lot that could go wrong. Of course, if Sam never gets his memories back, he'll never know that anything went wrong. When Sam gets back to Heaven, Dean will know and he thinks that might break him. Of course, it would also mean that his brother could continue with a normal Heaven that's actually Heaven for him if he didn't remember Ruby. Dean takes a deep breath, scrubbing at his face while he tries to process that. "And it's a risk you're willing to take?" Dean isn't judging and while the idea of Sam never remembering him scares him he's trying to keep that out of his tone of voice.

Dean nods a little. "So it's a one-time deal. Once you get back, that's it? And you'll let it go?" He's not completely on board, but he's trying to be supportive and wrap his head around it.

That all is true. There is a sense in Sam's core being that doesn't think that will come to pass though. There's too much of a bond that lies between Dean and himself as well as Ruby and himself. There is a sense that something will jog his memory somewhere down the line even if he can't say it is for certain. Heaven without Ruby at the end of this possibility is just something he'd deal with when it came too. It's easier to kick those thoughts down the road. He acknowledges Dean's distress quietly and answers his question with a nod. "As far as I'm concerned, it's the only chance I have to be happy again." That's not to discount Dean; it's just to say Ruby's absence wears heavy on his heart.

He smiles barely. "Those are the terms I have to agree to anyway."

Dean takes a sip of his beer then mutters 'fuck it' and gets up to retrieve the whiskey from his office. He brings it back with two glasses, pouring a little for himself, but leaving Sam's empty. If Sam wants some, he's more than welcome to it. He takes a sip and breathes out. "Okay. I get that." He says, nodding a little, mulling everything over. "I do. I get it. I hate it...I wish you could be happy here with Madison or Jess or...hell anyone." Yes, they both know Jessica has her own relationship she's happy in. "It sucks balls and if you show up and don't remember me, I'm going to smack the crap out of you until you do."

Dean nods a little. "So they told you it was a one-time deal? When do you go?"

"Dean, where are you going?" Sam knew better than to follow Dean if space was what he wanted. They could talk more later if need be. He looks at Dean equally as surprised when he returns with the whiskey in hand, wearing almost the same expression of surprise and what the hell as before. "Dean, listen. If there was any other way I knew, I would try it first. I don't know how else to ease into telling you. You know where lies get us. I thought I would just be honest from the start." He shakes his head as it's not possible to return to Madison or Jess. He had his chance with Jess when he first arrived in Heaven but the two of them had grown to be different people in opposite worlds. Jess would always be in his heart, but not come close to Ruby. He nods accepting those terms from Dean. "Alright. But I'm limiting you to a few hits a day. Anyone in their right mind would be scared of you if they didn't know you."

"Once I reach Ruby. That's the other half of this. Right now there is no set time frame."

Rather than answer, Dean grunts and gets his whiskey. "Bitch, you don't have to ease into tell me and I'd be pissed if you lied to me. Like I wouldn't notice when you didn't show up one day," he glares at Sam. "Major head trauma might bring your memories back. You don't know." He takes a sip of his whiskey and manages to look surprise. "Me? I'm a teddybear."

Dean nods a little. "Just...keep me updated. I don't want to be surprised you're gone one day."

"Have you met you?" There are some words he'd instantly regret saying and these ones only partially make him regret it. "Listen, I was never not going to tell you. But if you told me the same thing, I'd probably want to sit down and have a drink before I even knew what you wanted to talk about too. Come on, Dean, you don't really think I'd just vanish without a word one day. Honestly, I was kind of hoping for your...blessing." With a sarcastic tone to Dean's idea of how to help him regain his memories should he come back without them, "That sounds great. More than likely I'll become a vegetable." He has nothing to add about Dean claiming to be a teddy bear other than trying not to react beyond his standard 'uh huh' skepticism.

"Cas should have word any day now." He's still hoping Ruby will come around on her own without undue influence.

Sammy f*%$ked up | Heaven

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